i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
