Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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