Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
