I want you more than these girls want KFC
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
