I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
