i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
