Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
