I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
