Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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