just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
