I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
