I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
