My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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