thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
