just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
