sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
