If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
