Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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