someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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