my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
