Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
