Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
