Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
