some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
