Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
