i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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