toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
