I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
