Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize