I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
