She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
