Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
