Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
