Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
