she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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