My liver just broke up with me...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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