then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
