I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
