They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
