My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
