i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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