Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
