I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
