the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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