I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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