pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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