Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
