Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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