textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
