The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
