I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
