where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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