Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
