I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
