She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
