I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
