Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
