I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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