if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
