Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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