i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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